4/30/2023 0 Comments Luciform redditI want to figure out how to best communicate what’s going through my mind. I can’t take a breath anymore without catching a whiff of cigarette smoke and it just makes me feel more sick. Or the works of Jung and Wittgenstein and Kant and Chomsky and whoever many other people regard as thoughtful in the least bit. If I keep going for long enough maybe the works of Shakespeare will eventually start pouring from my fingertips. Instead, it made me more anxious and now I’m just typing as much as I can in hopes that I can make this pen run dry but I’m concerned that my mind is a bottomless ink well. Did I really need that cigarette? Probably not, but I convinced myself that it was the shakeup that I needed in order to get a worthwhile brainstorm session going. As though my daily reactions to just about everything aren’t enough, I have to do something that physically requires my body to react. I don’t think I like smoking but I do it anyway because it’s something that reminds me that I’m alive. Because right now I can’t handle much of anything. Maybe this small exercise will help you come to terms with humanity a little bit more than I currently am able to handle. Interact with those that don’t come to you. I need to bear this in mind throughout my day more. The problem is that the people who have the most to say actually end up saying nothing at all. At the same time, I won’t come across as anything. But this way I may not come across as sounding like an ignorant asshole. So instead of even making an effort I do nothing, suffering in silence. So out of fear of not being good enough or just flat out getting too frustrated to do it, I just end up doing nothing at all. I don’t know how to begin to remotely catalogue this struggle. So I’m stuck trying to come to terms with the limitations i place on myself. I understand that this is hypocritical coming from me. He made a living writing, and if he felt like he couldn’t even connect with people despite his speech being shared by millions and selling millions more of his books… what kind of validation did he need? Was it with his own self? Was he just self destructive and not appreciative of his own work for being the best it could be and that that was good enough? Was that what drove him over the edge? That so many people connected with it and that they didn’t truly understand what he wanted them to understand? I mean, this is the same guy who delivered this great commencement speech that basically talked about our shared humanity and so many people connected with it, myself included, and yet it wasn’t enough for him. ![]() What the hell kind of a precedent does that set? Talk about a tough act. As David Foster Wallace puts it, it’s not impossible and that’s all that matters. I want to give people the benefit of the doubt that they think the same things that I do. It’s the same circular argument that I have with myself just about every day. I want to be able to show people what I’m thinking, but if everything comes up short in terms of photography being concerned, how the hell am i supposed to do so? If photography is my “expertise” and I can’t think of anything how am I supposed to successfully communicate with ANYONE. But isn’t that in and of itself ignorance? It’s not so much a fear, it’s just an understanding. And the fear at the heart of it all is that it’s just ignorance. ![]() I can’t come up with an idea, a way, or even a formula, to really materialize what I’m going through in my head right now. I know there are people that can do so through art or through song, okay, just art period whatever, but you know what I mean. I know I don’t know enough to do so though. I want to be able to create something that shows people what I’m thinking. It’s that I’m afraid that I just flat out can’t communicate it. NO, it’s not that I’m afraid of diminishing it. I’m afraid of diminishing what I’m thinking. ![]() I’m having a bit of an existential crisis right now, but it’s a lot different from what I normally go though. I continue to find this recurring theme throughout all of my journal entries.
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